Today wasn't a bad day at all. There was nothing special about it, but it was better than the other days. This is going to sound sad, but trust me, it's not; I promise. Today I came to realize that if I am to live this life alone, so be it. I don't mind it at all. There are so many upsides to this lifestyle: independence, no one nagging you about where you're going, who are you doing it with and when are you coming home? See, it can be a pain to have someone there asking you this, especially if there are trust issues. Not good.
The way I imagined my life is not at all the way it turned out. I thought I'd make the Dean's List. I didn't. I thought that I'd have an apartment or a huge house by the time I'm 22. I do not. I thought I'd have someone who I can hold hands with, kiss and be with whenever we both want to. I do not. I am so okay with this. This is the thing about life, it's unexpected.
There will be things I know I can compromise on later in life, but the one thing no one can take away from me is my happiness. And future kids. Single or not, a fling, not-so-serious relationship or a serious relationship, I am having kids. I will not compromise this. I do not want kids later than 33 years of age. I don't care about the gender, hair or eye color, I just want healthy babies. Two kids, option of a third. Who knows, it all depends.
But there will be some things I'll miss having a significant other. I.e.-someone to come home to, a person who says he loves me for me, a father figure, someone to encourage me when times get tough. But to me these are little things. I didn't grow up with a father, and I'm fine. Truth be told I never much asked who my father was. Someone who'll encourage me, what are best friends for? They can get the job done. A person who says they love me for me, hello, I have family. Someone to come home to, I do want a dog, maybe something medium size like a beagle. See, it's not so bad. I look forward to this.
With this said, I'm not going to close myself off from possible future relationships, not at all. My mind is still open to it actually. What I'm saying is, if it happens, great. If not, then it's great as well. I can't wait to see where this life leads me to and how it turns out.
"Out of respect for things that I was never destined to do, I have learned that my strengths are a result of my weaknesses, my success is due to my failures and my style is directly related to my limitations."
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Inconsiderate
Ok, so I'm the type of person that if I can possibly plan things out I would. I like knowing when, what time, what, where and who. That's the type of person I am, I'd like to be as organized as possible. But hey, this is life. Life is messy. So there are also times when spontaneousness happens. I don't mind when that happens, I just mind that people do it all the time, and when I don't feel like doing something, I'm made out to be the bad person. Which is even more fun! NOT!!!!
There are reasons why I sometimes don't like being spontaneous. Number 1: I work, I'm on my feet for hours on end. Number 2: I am tired. If you so badly want to hang out with me, you drive your lazy ass to my house and come get me. Number 3: I'm a college student, school comes first and number 4: I am broke. I'm asking for more hours at work but I won't get those until next week. That's what happens when you're in college, you loose your social life and money. College is a cheap whore, like *insert reference here*.
So if you possibly could in the future, give me 24 hours maximum; 12 minimum, to see if I can hang out with you, I'd greatly appreciate it. Don't make me out to be the bad guy or tell me you found someone to hang out with. Makes you look like a total dick. Thanks :)
"Ignorance and inconsideration are the two great causes of the ruin of mankind." ~ John Tillotson
There are reasons why I sometimes don't like being spontaneous. Number 1: I work, I'm on my feet for hours on end. Number 2: I am tired. If you so badly want to hang out with me, you drive your lazy ass to my house and come get me. Number 3: I'm a college student, school comes first and number 4: I am broke. I'm asking for more hours at work but I won't get those until next week. That's what happens when you're in college, you loose your social life and money. College is a cheap whore, like *insert reference here*.
So if you possibly could in the future, give me 24 hours maximum; 12 minimum, to see if I can hang out with you, I'd greatly appreciate it. Don't make me out to be the bad guy or tell me you found someone to hang out with. Makes you look like a total dick. Thanks :)
"Ignorance and inconsideration are the two great causes of the ruin of mankind." ~ John Tillotson
Monday, February 7, 2011
Speak
So right now in Psychology we're talking about emotions and how we handle it. If we talk about it or not, if we have a pokerface. It really depends on who, what and how my emotion is triggered for me to talk or not talk about my feelings. If something is bothering me or not. How badly it bothers me. I usually, mostly let things just roll off my shoulders, but there are just some things that bother me, and silly me, I talk about it.
There are times that I think if I didn't talk about something that bothered me, if my life would be in a different path. Or I did talk about it, but the outcome was different. Would it had made a small or big difference that I did talk about something that did bother me?
So my psych teacher is also a shrink, and today in class we were talking about emotions and how we handle it. Normally I wouldn't volunteer something about myself in a class that is full of people who I don't know very well. But I was curious about something that has been bothering me, so I asked my question and she said: "You may not like what I'm about to say, but do you want to know?" Of course being innately curious I said yes. So her answer was, "The reason is because you probably see yourself in the problem, is that right or is there something that you can relate to that?" She is good! It's true, I do see myself in the problem and there is some thing that I can relate to.
I don't mind being part of a problem. There are things that I have to know because if I don't, it would bother me to know if the outcome would be different. The thing that really gets to me is the 'what if' in life. Two nonthreatening words, but put them together and they can haunt you. This is why I talk about things that do bother me, because I have to know. No matter the consequence.
Because if I didn't talk about something that bothered/bothers me, I know for a fact, my life would be in a different path right now. But maybe there is a reason why I talk about my feelings when something does bother me and why I'm heading in the path that I'm on now. I'm ok with it, just curious to see where this one road takes me.
"No matter where you go, there you are."
There are times that I think if I didn't talk about something that bothered me, if my life would be in a different path. Or I did talk about it, but the outcome was different. Would it had made a small or big difference that I did talk about something that did bother me?
So my psych teacher is also a shrink, and today in class we were talking about emotions and how we handle it. Normally I wouldn't volunteer something about myself in a class that is full of people who I don't know very well. But I was curious about something that has been bothering me, so I asked my question and she said: "You may not like what I'm about to say, but do you want to know?" Of course being innately curious I said yes. So her answer was, "The reason is because you probably see yourself in the problem, is that right or is there something that you can relate to that?" She is good! It's true, I do see myself in the problem and there is some thing that I can relate to.
I don't mind being part of a problem. There are things that I have to know because if I don't, it would bother me to know if the outcome would be different. The thing that really gets to me is the 'what if' in life. Two nonthreatening words, but put them together and they can haunt you. This is why I talk about things that do bother me, because I have to know. No matter the consequence.
Because if I didn't talk about something that bothered/bothers me, I know for a fact, my life would be in a different path right now. But maybe there is a reason why I talk about my feelings when something does bother me and why I'm heading in the path that I'm on now. I'm ok with it, just curious to see where this one road takes me.
"No matter where you go, there you are."
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Changes
She's not like that now. She knows better. She knows now that people lie, and promises can be broken as quick as they are made. She understands that she might never be loved, and too quickly good things fly in front of your eyes before you can reach out and grab them .
She knows that you can't change or help time, so every now and then it will just run out. There isn't a place for everyone in the world, so if you're standing alone for awhile, that's why. Not everything in life comes easy, but when you work the hardest, that's when it's the best. You can't always expect people to care, and even when your best friends stab you in the front, don't think for one minute that they didn't already aim for your back. They missed for a reason. She has found out to soon, that in the end, you are your own best friend. Everyone will be broken at some point in their life and more often than not, its gonna hurt like hell. But you can't stop it. You can't change your fate. Some things are meant to be and all the pain you go through will end up resulting in something huge .
You don't know what it is and when it happens, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. At some point, when you have experienced everything you can, the words 'Life' and 'Risk' won't mean anything to you anymore. But don't try and change that. Stuff like that is meant to happen. Overtime, certain things no longer have an affect on you. And that happens because that's the way it supposed to be. But you'll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter. But it might catch you off guard and happen sooner .
She knows that you can't change or help time, so every now and then it will just run out. There isn't a place for everyone in the world, so if you're standing alone for awhile, that's why. Not everything in life comes easy, but when you work the hardest, that's when it's the best. You can't always expect people to care, and even when your best friends stab you in the front, don't think for one minute that they didn't already aim for your back. They missed for a reason. She has found out to soon, that in the end, you are your own best friend. Everyone will be broken at some point in their life and more often than not, its gonna hurt like hell. But you can't stop it. You can't change your fate. Some things are meant to be and all the pain you go through will end up resulting in something huge .
You don't know what it is and when it happens, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. At some point, when you have experienced everything you can, the words 'Life' and 'Risk' won't mean anything to you anymore. But don't try and change that. Stuff like that is meant to happen. Overtime, certain things no longer have an affect on you. And that happens because that's the way it supposed to be. But you'll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter. But it might catch you off guard and happen sooner .
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Reasoning or Fate
I've never given much thought to where I see myself in 10 years. It was always annoying when I gotten that survey in school. "Where do you see yourself in 10 years? High school? College?" "What about a career?" Um, hello? I'm in the 5th grade, how the heck am I suppose to know when all I'm thinking of is getting out at 3:30 so I can go watch a rerun of Catdog.
Fast forward to 11 years later, and bam!!! I'm in college, a few years away from graduating (thank the heavens) I like school and learning, but after 15 years of it, it gets tiring after a while. Like eating the same type of pizza over, and over, and over again. But now that I have my career goal taken care of lets talk about something fun that I've never been lucky about: love.
Sure I see guys who are cute, adorable, intellectual, smart, funny; heck, even all five of those traits. But I don't know if there is even someone out there for me. And I don't even know if I believe in it anymore. I know I'm still young and I haven't been really 'out there' as some people might say, but it's hard to find someone here, especially in a town that is made for retirees, married couples, middle-aged single people. Not for a single, college student. Maybe there's a reason why I'm suppose to be alone in this life. I don't know if I believe in past lives or reincarnation or whatever. All I know for sure right now is I want to enjoy life as much as possible, but it's difficult sometimes when you want happiness like your friends who has someone to love. Or maybe if you learn to love yourself first then someone else will. But then truth be told, you wouldn't hurt yourself when you break off a relationship. Just grab a pint of Ben and Jerry's and put in your copy of your favorite Disney movie and you're good to go. After a few crying sessions of course.
With love there comes a future, oui? Good. So in the future. What's the best possibility that I want to happen for sure? I want to work, a career that I love and I can't wait to start again the next day after I clock out. What's the saying again? It's not a job if you enjoy it, right? So I want to enjoy it, which I know I will, so I'm not complaining on that part. I know I'm a dedicated worker. I give my all and the best I can do. So something that realistically I want to happen is to get married. I know, how shocking. It all really depends on the guy I guess, on the type of wedding I want. The cake. The music. The flowers. Even the dress, sheesh, with all this thinking I don't know if I want to get married anymore (jk).
And with a marriage comes a baby. They're cute. They're adorable. And they're so innocent and happy. There's a naturalness that you have to protect them from all harm. There was and still are some phases that I don't want kids. But really though, I do. I have a few possible names picked out already. Poor babies. I might want two, possible third as an option. It all depends really. I want at least one of each gender. And most important of all, I want them to be happy. What I want in return is a healthy relationship with them. I'd want them to know that they can talk to me about anything they want and they won't get reprimanded for it. I'll give them advice, solicited or not.
I don't know anything anymore. I mean, I can have a happy career with nobody by my side and no kids. I can have a marriage with no kids and still be happy. I can have kids with no partner. Either of those choices can be a great option for me. I'm not very picky with it comes to it, really. But I'd want to have all my career, someone who loves me and a child as my number one goal. So, 10 years later I guess this is where I stand.
"It is my fate and perhaps my temperament to sign agreement with fools." ~E.M. Forster
Fast forward to 11 years later, and bam!!! I'm in college, a few years away from graduating (thank the heavens) I like school and learning, but after 15 years of it, it gets tiring after a while. Like eating the same type of pizza over, and over, and over again. But now that I have my career goal taken care of lets talk about something fun that I've never been lucky about: love.
Sure I see guys who are cute, adorable, intellectual, smart, funny; heck, even all five of those traits. But I don't know if there is even someone out there for me. And I don't even know if I believe in it anymore. I know I'm still young and I haven't been really 'out there' as some people might say, but it's hard to find someone here, especially in a town that is made for retirees, married couples, middle-aged single people. Not for a single, college student. Maybe there's a reason why I'm suppose to be alone in this life. I don't know if I believe in past lives or reincarnation or whatever. All I know for sure right now is I want to enjoy life as much as possible, but it's difficult sometimes when you want happiness like your friends who has someone to love. Or maybe if you learn to love yourself first then someone else will. But then truth be told, you wouldn't hurt yourself when you break off a relationship. Just grab a pint of Ben and Jerry's and put in your copy of your favorite Disney movie and you're good to go. After a few crying sessions of course.
With love there comes a future, oui? Good. So in the future. What's the best possibility that I want to happen for sure? I want to work, a career that I love and I can't wait to start again the next day after I clock out. What's the saying again? It's not a job if you enjoy it, right? So I want to enjoy it, which I know I will, so I'm not complaining on that part. I know I'm a dedicated worker. I give my all and the best I can do. So something that realistically I want to happen is to get married. I know, how shocking. It all really depends on the guy I guess, on the type of wedding I want. The cake. The music. The flowers. Even the dress, sheesh, with all this thinking I don't know if I want to get married anymore (jk).
And with a marriage comes a baby. They're cute. They're adorable. And they're so innocent and happy. There's a naturalness that you have to protect them from all harm. There was and still are some phases that I don't want kids. But really though, I do. I have a few possible names picked out already. Poor babies. I might want two, possible third as an option. It all depends really. I want at least one of each gender. And most important of all, I want them to be happy. What I want in return is a healthy relationship with them. I'd want them to know that they can talk to me about anything they want and they won't get reprimanded for it. I'll give them advice, solicited or not.
I don't know anything anymore. I mean, I can have a happy career with nobody by my side and no kids. I can have a marriage with no kids and still be happy. I can have kids with no partner. Either of those choices can be a great option for me. I'm not very picky with it comes to it, really. But I'd want to have all my career, someone who loves me and a child as my number one goal. So, 10 years later I guess this is where I stand.
"It is my fate and perhaps my temperament to sign agreement with fools." ~E.M. Forster
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Year Of The Snake
So there are a few people who don't understand me. So I'd like to clarify how I think so others can understand me better. I don't go by what horoscopes say about me, but some are definitely true. Some are false though, so to understand me, personally better, read on.
According to the Chinese Zodiac I'm a Snake. Fitting, I know. Snakes are charming people, this is true about me; however, I'd have to get to know you before though. See there's this little thing called introvertness, in a nutshell it means I'm quiet and shy around new people or people who I don't know very well. But if I know you well enough, you'll see how I can be charming. Also, Snakes are romantic creatures. Give me a single flower for no reason and I'm happy; I'm not a hard person to please. Snakes trust themselves more than anyone else in fear of getting hurt (too late for me) and we're seldom ever wrong. It's true, you can't win an argument with me, even though Snakes scheme and plot to get what they want. I'm sorry. I only do that when I'm treated unfairly.
Snakes are passionate lovers, but unfortunately though, we can also be jealous. I hate people who make me jealous on purpose. Makes me want to give then a love pat on the face with a brick. Personally though, it would be unfair to anyone if their significant other is still talking to an old flame, yes? It's unfair to you and to them. Why them? Because they're the one who's holding back a relationship that could be made into something grand. Why is it unfair to you? Because you're in a relationship with someone who's not giving you the attention you deserve and talking to an old flame makes it seem that they're not over them yet. Don't you dare make any excuses. It's just pathetic. Another thing I don't like that is true is I don't like rejection. It's the worst thing that can ever happen to the Snake person. Such people must be received, welcomed, accepted and approved by those with whom they come in contact. Security and reassurance can go a long way for us.
I like to plan things out, to think about it. I don't mind spontaneity, but I'm busy these days that if people want to hang out with me, give me 48 hours to see if I'm free or not. I don't make decision in a snap, if people ask me what I want to do or want, I usually give an " I don't know" answer. I'm open to ideas and I go with the flow. I'm usually slow at figuring people out but once I do, I'm usually right. When I have an idea of what to and how to do it, I pursue it persistently and energetically. But, lucky for a person who's dating a Snake (haha, that sounds wrong!) is when we're really romantically involved we are also loving and attentive, stimulating and playful, though it takes time to get over the fears of our weaknesses.
Snakes like communicating and like interesting conversations, although if the conversation becomes repetitive our attention may soon wander. It is almost impossible to fix our attention for long talking about the weather. You can only talk so much about how the cold sucks. Another thing people don't know about Snakes are we're even tempered. But when I get upset, I get upset. Don't tell me to talk about what upsets me because instead of making me feel better, I guarantee you'd be making it worse. Thanks for the help, but no, I'll find a way to get over it. Yes, I know, communication is best, but not in this case. I will communicate with someone if need be.
“I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me, seemed insufficient for the day.” ~Abraham Lincoln
According to the Chinese Zodiac I'm a Snake. Fitting, I know. Snakes are charming people, this is true about me; however, I'd have to get to know you before though. See there's this little thing called introvertness, in a nutshell it means I'm quiet and shy around new people or people who I don't know very well. But if I know you well enough, you'll see how I can be charming. Also, Snakes are romantic creatures. Give me a single flower for no reason and I'm happy; I'm not a hard person to please. Snakes trust themselves more than anyone else in fear of getting hurt (too late for me) and we're seldom ever wrong. It's true, you can't win an argument with me, even though Snakes scheme and plot to get what they want. I'm sorry. I only do that when I'm treated unfairly.
Snakes are passionate lovers, but unfortunately though, we can also be jealous. I hate people who make me jealous on purpose. Makes me want to give then a love pat on the face with a brick. Personally though, it would be unfair to anyone if their significant other is still talking to an old flame, yes? It's unfair to you and to them. Why them? Because they're the one who's holding back a relationship that could be made into something grand. Why is it unfair to you? Because you're in a relationship with someone who's not giving you the attention you deserve and talking to an old flame makes it seem that they're not over them yet. Don't you dare make any excuses. It's just pathetic. Another thing I don't like that is true is I don't like rejection. It's the worst thing that can ever happen to the Snake person. Such people must be received, welcomed, accepted and approved by those with whom they come in contact. Security and reassurance can go a long way for us.
I like to plan things out, to think about it. I don't mind spontaneity, but I'm busy these days that if people want to hang out with me, give me 48 hours to see if I'm free or not. I don't make decision in a snap, if people ask me what I want to do or want, I usually give an " I don't know" answer. I'm open to ideas and I go with the flow. I'm usually slow at figuring people out but once I do, I'm usually right. When I have an idea of what to and how to do it, I pursue it persistently and energetically. But, lucky for a person who's dating a Snake (haha, that sounds wrong!) is when we're really romantically involved we are also loving and attentive, stimulating and playful, though it takes time to get over the fears of our weaknesses.
Snakes like communicating and like interesting conversations, although if the conversation becomes repetitive our attention may soon wander. It is almost impossible to fix our attention for long talking about the weather. You can only talk so much about how the cold sucks. Another thing people don't know about Snakes are we're even tempered. But when I get upset, I get upset. Don't tell me to talk about what upsets me because instead of making me feel better, I guarantee you'd be making it worse. Thanks for the help, but no, I'll find a way to get over it. Yes, I know, communication is best, but not in this case. I will communicate with someone if need be.
“I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me, seemed insufficient for the day.” ~Abraham Lincoln
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